Topic by Narayan Prabhakar
Do we involve our children in forward planning, big decisions such as financial ones?
When is the right time (age)?
What matters?
Responses
H.K. Siva
I strongly support involving children in big decisions on their life especially.
My son wanted to become a pilot or in airlines industry. I hVe secured admission in Australia and paid a provisional fee to university. Due to some pressure from seniors from my family - back in our village, the idea was dropped. My son got upset, but did not say anything. Then he joined in engineering. But his mind is still not there. I can make out from his feelings. This mistake has happened because of my mistake of taking decision on my own. I should have discussed or left decision to him on this..
It is very expensive experience for which I am repenting even now..
So I have decided to leave future career of my daughter to her only. Ofcourse we shall support / mentor her ideas... Surprisingly my daughter is coming with lot of new fields, ideas with clear focus, future, her interest .... So I have strong feeling that we should give enough support to our children and involve them in decisions especially pertaining to their life...
Venkat Raghavan
Involving children in forward planning is a curious subject in today’s context.
My take, my 2 cents, is different. I am leaving out things such as which movies, where to eat etc. This, in any case is not something we are able to get our way. The bigger decisions and plans is what I am thinking about.
It may be difficult to get children in our forward planning. Not because of their maturity, not because they are indifferent, but because their outlook is now very different from what were our motives based on our then setting and conditions. I may be mostly talking from Indian context though.
In my opinion, in the context of Indian middle class mentality, when we were at this stage in our younger years,
job seeking, earning, saving and settling down in life is all that shaped our actions and plans. We wanted to make it in this race or get out of it (this getting out was mostly to another country to run a similar race).
Today, the children question this. They certainly have the advantage of better economic conditions than what we enjoyed, more opportunities, above all information explosion and connectedness. They will question more and seek better outcomes but for our obstinate influence.
I think if we want to plan together, we need to be able to get to their moorings and relate to their destinations. If we cannot, I think we should just let them do their bit.
Surya Kolluri
I would like to categorize this topic of involving our son in big decisions into three buckets - Low, Medium and High - in terms of his involvement.
High input:
Those that directly affect him, he has an equal vote. Two examples - vacation, school selection, gift selection
Vacation: Each of us gets one vote on how to spend a day. And we rotate. My turn I pick museums. Rahul's turn and he picks theme parks or electronics stores. Mini's turn and she picks local antique markets. Others cannot complain when it is not their turn
School: Equal votes in terms of which school he goes to. I look for diversity. Mini looks for teacher student ration. Rahul selects based on his feel and fit.
Gifts: Similarly equal votes. I pick based on budget. Mini picks based on appropriateness based on age and he picks based on cool factor. (we have learned that thru mistakes that all three inputs are important - otherwise we will have to buy another gift to fit the bill!)
Medium Input:
Example - participating with guests who come to dinner or going to another house for a party. When he was younger - no choice. Now that he is a Tween, we allow a discussion and can be flexible on a case by case basis.
Which movie to watch: Again, we are beginning to loosen the restrictions
Video games: Lost this battle a long time ago!
Low input: ie he has no say
- Not practicing his chosen instrument (instrument is his choice, practicing is not his choice)
- Not doing homework
- Not doing a good job in tests and exams (regardless of grades)
A practice I have instituted is $5 for every 100% marks achievement into a kitty (regardless of nature of test or quiz - mid year, final, monthly whatever). $0 for 99%. And no retribution for low grades other than an explanation on whether sufficient study and practice went into the the preparation.
A last observation:
I have gone zen on how the kid is wired. Some kids are focused and planned. Some kids are creative and haphazard. Some kids work hard at a problem. Some kids are last minute. We can tinker at the edges of this personality. But we need to recognize who they are and let them be.
Very difficult for a parent (I struggle with this - since I am the 'planned to the last detail' kinda guy). But increasingly I am Mr. Zen....!
Swarna Ramesh
I too feel that we should let the children choose what they want to do, unless we are 100% sure something isn't going to work out good. Even then, we only need to give our opinions and allow them to do their mistakes, like we did in our lives. But whatever they do, we have to be there for them, without blaming them for their decisions.
Major decisions go with who it impacts more - for example, if it is about me, my conviction matters most. If I'm not comfortable with a surgery, I may opt for non-surgical treatments as long as I can afford. And I want my family to be there for me even if it turns out to be a wrong decision. Ditto for everyone.else.
Bharani
It is never too early to get your children involved in the decision-making process. As they grow older, we can gradually build up on the scale of decision-making.
When we lived in Coimbatore as a joint family, my son was such a spoilt brat. Whenever I tried to be strict with him, he would run off and complain to my in-laws, and they would promptly rebuke me 'Why are you yelling at our grandson?' (as if I was a third party person from the streets).
All the disciplining started when he was 7 years old and we moved to the US. Parenting is a tight-rope walk between discipline and freedom. When the balance is at the appropriate levels, kids feel encouraged to make decisions, and start feeling responsible for their actions, whether right or wrong.
We live in an all-American neighborhood. On interacting with the neighbors, I see that they share pretty much the same questions, concerns, choices as we Indian parents do.
Right from Anjan's school days, I have made it a point to keep in touch with his friends' parents (any nationality). The 'Parental Spy Network' as he calls it has been a very effective tool so far.
In addition to decisions which have a direct bearing on him (education, sports, entertainment, etc), we have consulted him in decisions like buying cars, home equipment, vacation planning, etc. I have at times had him play Mediator when Venki and I cannot come to terms with some issues.
We let him have his share of fun with his friends too - a week in Miami beach, occasional parties in a pub, late-night movies, etc, but we have the assurance that they won't do anything stupid to jeopardize their future.
Ever since he was legally authorized to work, we have encouraged him to take up part-time jobs, so he will appreciate the value of work and money. He has his bank accounts and debit and credit cards. Every month he gets his Credit score, and knows what the impact of over-spending has on his score. Although we pay his student loans, we have set it up on his account, so it is his job to remind us of the due dates, and make sure that there is sufficient funds in the account.
We are happy now when his Grand-parents, friends and family back home appreciate him, saying especially that he is so down-to-earth.
By God's grace, his choice of school, major, career has worked out well. He is 22 now, and soon will be choosing a life-partner. We are confident he will make a good decision which will make not only him happy, but us as parents and all in the family too...
Kanchana
My approach to this topic could differ from all.
I see the current gen started questioning at the age of 9, on indian democracy has it been effectively utilized, discussing on global warming, why india do not match with overseas standards on infrastructure, eco friendly concept, why indians corrupt our own country ,..like this there are many startling questions to list
Now tell me what is there to hide on big decisions !! We parent really need to involve the kids openly friendly to the extent gradually educating them to get adapted to the pros & cons of life and meet the challenges ahead,..for this the decisive role who takes ?? Does not come into picture !!
Money is not the only matter to focus on children''s decision making but there are other aspects need to be looked at for the children to have a balanced approach and growth, for which the child should know and involve gradually as they grow.
My kid is very sharp, questioning nature and he would love to have strong logical reasoning for anything we say !! Good or bad i don't know but at times he makes me feel confident !
Devanand
First and foremost I thank Bala for forwarding the soft copy of Rich Dad poor dad.
Secondly my son turned 6 on Jan 16 th. I have already started giving him pocket money and told him certain essentials that he needs should be done from his pocket money. To my surprise he said No I don't want to do all that.
But now I have started the process of educating the coat of each item that we buy for our home and for him so he atleast understands the value. But I hope to put him on budgets in 2 years time .
When is the right time (age)?
What matters?
Responses
H.K. Siva
I strongly support involving children in big decisions on their life especially.
My son wanted to become a pilot or in airlines industry. I hVe secured admission in Australia and paid a provisional fee to university. Due to some pressure from seniors from my family - back in our village, the idea was dropped. My son got upset, but did not say anything. Then he joined in engineering. But his mind is still not there. I can make out from his feelings. This mistake has happened because of my mistake of taking decision on my own. I should have discussed or left decision to him on this..
It is very expensive experience for which I am repenting even now..
So I have decided to leave future career of my daughter to her only. Ofcourse we shall support / mentor her ideas... Surprisingly my daughter is coming with lot of new fields, ideas with clear focus, future, her interest .... So I have strong feeling that we should give enough support to our children and involve them in decisions especially pertaining to their life...
Venkat Raghavan
My take, my 2 cents, is different. I am leaving out things such as which movies, where to eat etc. This, in any case is not something we are able to get our way. The bigger decisions and plans is what I am thinking about.
It may be difficult to get children in our forward planning. Not because of their maturity, not because they are indifferent, but because their outlook is now very different from what were our motives based on our then setting and conditions. I may be mostly talking from Indian context though.
In my opinion, in the context of Indian middle class mentality, when we were at this stage in our younger years,
job seeking, earning, saving and settling down in life is all that shaped our actions and plans. We wanted to make it in this race or get out of it (this getting out was mostly to another country to run a similar race).
Today, the children question this. They certainly have the advantage of better economic conditions than what we enjoyed, more opportunities, above all information explosion and connectedness. They will question more and seek better outcomes but for our obstinate influence.
I think if we want to plan together, we need to be able to get to their moorings and relate to their destinations. If we cannot, I think we should just let them do their bit.
Surya Kolluri
High input:
Those that directly affect him, he has an equal vote. Two examples - vacation, school selection, gift selection
Vacation: Each of us gets one vote on how to spend a day. And we rotate. My turn I pick museums. Rahul's turn and he picks theme parks or electronics stores. Mini's turn and she picks local antique markets. Others cannot complain when it is not their turn
School: Equal votes in terms of which school he goes to. I look for diversity. Mini looks for teacher student ration. Rahul selects based on his feel and fit.
Gifts: Similarly equal votes. I pick based on budget. Mini picks based on appropriateness based on age and he picks based on cool factor. (we have learned that thru mistakes that all three inputs are important - otherwise we will have to buy another gift to fit the bill!)
Medium Input:
Example - participating with guests who come to dinner or going to another house for a party. When he was younger - no choice. Now that he is a Tween, we allow a discussion and can be flexible on a case by case basis.
Which movie to watch: Again, we are beginning to loosen the restrictions
Video games: Lost this battle a long time ago!
Low input: ie he has no say
- Not practicing his chosen instrument (instrument is his choice, practicing is not his choice)
- Not doing homework
- Not doing a good job in tests and exams (regardless of grades)
A practice I have instituted is $5 for every 100% marks achievement into a kitty (regardless of nature of test or quiz - mid year, final, monthly whatever). $0 for 99%. And no retribution for low grades other than an explanation on whether sufficient study and practice went into the the preparation.
A last observation:
I have gone zen on how the kid is wired. Some kids are focused and planned. Some kids are creative and haphazard. Some kids work hard at a problem. Some kids are last minute. We can tinker at the edges of this personality. But we need to recognize who they are and let them be.
Very difficult for a parent (I struggle with this - since I am the 'planned to the last detail' kinda guy). But increasingly I am Mr. Zen....!
Swarna Ramesh
Major decisions go with who it impacts more - for example, if it is about me, my conviction matters most. If I'm not comfortable with a surgery, I may opt for non-surgical treatments as long as I can afford. And I want my family to be there for me even if it turns out to be a wrong decision. Ditto for everyone.else.
Bharani
When we lived in Coimbatore as a joint family, my son was such a spoilt brat. Whenever I tried to be strict with him, he would run off and complain to my in-laws, and they would promptly rebuke me 'Why are you yelling at our grandson?' (as if I was a third party person from the streets).
All the disciplining started when he was 7 years old and we moved to the US. Parenting is a tight-rope walk between discipline and freedom. When the balance is at the appropriate levels, kids feel encouraged to make decisions, and start feeling responsible for their actions, whether right or wrong.
We live in an all-American neighborhood. On interacting with the neighbors, I see that they share pretty much the same questions, concerns, choices as we Indian parents do.
Right from Anjan's school days, I have made it a point to keep in touch with his friends' parents (any nationality). The 'Parental Spy Network' as he calls it has been a very effective tool so far.
In addition to decisions which have a direct bearing on him (education, sports, entertainment, etc), we have consulted him in decisions like buying cars, home equipment, vacation planning, etc. I have at times had him play Mediator when Venki and I cannot come to terms with some issues.
We let him have his share of fun with his friends too - a week in Miami beach, occasional parties in a pub, late-night movies, etc, but we have the assurance that they won't do anything stupid to jeopardize their future.
Ever since he was legally authorized to work, we have encouraged him to take up part-time jobs, so he will appreciate the value of work and money. He has his bank accounts and debit and credit cards. Every month he gets his Credit score, and knows what the impact of over-spending has on his score. Although we pay his student loans, we have set it up on his account, so it is his job to remind us of the due dates, and make sure that there is sufficient funds in the account.
We are happy now when his Grand-parents, friends and family back home appreciate him, saying especially that he is so down-to-earth.
By God's grace, his choice of school, major, career has worked out well. He is 22 now, and soon will be choosing a life-partner. We are confident he will make a good decision which will make not only him happy, but us as parents and all in the family too...
Kanchana
My approach to this topic could differ from all.
I see the current gen started questioning at the age of 9, on indian democracy has it been effectively utilized, discussing on global warming, why india do not match with overseas standards on infrastructure, eco friendly concept, why indians corrupt our own country ,..like this there are many startling questions to list
Now tell me what is there to hide on big decisions !! We parent really need to involve the kids openly friendly to the extent gradually educating them to get adapted to the pros & cons of life and meet the challenges ahead,..for this the decisive role who takes ?? Does not come into picture !!
Money is not the only matter to focus on children''s decision making but there are other aspects need to be looked at for the children to have a balanced approach and growth, for which the child should know and involve gradually as they grow.
My kid is very sharp, questioning nature and he would love to have strong logical reasoning for anything we say !! Good or bad i don't know but at times he makes me feel confident !
Devanand
Secondly my son turned 6 on Jan 16 th. I have already started giving him pocket money and told him certain essentials that he needs should be done from his pocket money. To my surprise he said No I don't want to do all that.
But now I have started the process of educating the coat of each item that we buy for our home and for him so he atleast understands the value. But I hope to put him on budgets in 2 years time .